


Castles in the Air

by Thistlerose



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: F/M, Future Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-08
Updated: 2014-06-08
Packaged: 2018-02-03 22:22:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1758437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thistlerose/pseuds/Thistlerose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written in 2002.  Feeling aimless and out-of-place after the war, Heero finds peace with Catherine Bloom.  Inspired by Don McLean's song of the same title.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Castles in the Air

**Author's Note:**

> I shouldn't have to say this, but I remember the GW fandom too well: No Relenas were harmed in the making of this story. I love Relena, and you'll find no bashing of her here. Just, in this one instance, it doesn't work out with her and Heero.

The paper was pink and apricot in color, decorated with small white flowers, and thin as dried rose petals. It had taken Heero a long time to find it; the Colony's chief imports were food, medical supplies, mechanical and electronic equipment, not pretty stationery. But he was glad that he had taken the time and found it. He wanted to do this right.

_But how can hurting her be right?_ a small voice in his head wondered. His hand, poised to make a mark on the paper, drew back.

She had been kind to him, loving even. He cared for her; he could not deny it. And yet…

_I wasn't comfortable in that life. I had to think of myself. You taught me how to do that, Relena, but…_

He pressed the pen's tip against the paper, a decisive gesture. But he had expected his pen to do the writing, and it would not. All it made was a big black blotch, which spread as he watched dumbly. When it had grown to the size of his thumbnail he blinked, shook his head, crumpled the piece of paper and tossed it aside, then reached for another.

How to begin? he thought. How to explain?

_Dear Relena_ , he wrote quickly. Then he lifted his pen and scowled at the paper. How sloppy was his handwriting. She would think he had spent no time on this, no thought. He did not want her to think that, but neither did he want her to think he had spent hours agonizing over every word. _Make it a clean cut, and it will heal more easily,_ his soldier's mind told him. But he had to explain to her, make her understand why he had chosen this life over the one she had offered him.

He lifted his head, looked out the window by his desk. Dawn light was creeping over the hills; their outlines were dyed a faint red and wisps of purplish cloud trailed over them. Indian Paintbrushes and Blue Lupines, imported from the Earth but thriving in the clean Colony air, lit the grass like tiny lights. The lake, he knew, would still be covered in heavy mist at this hour, and leaping with rainbow-colored fish.

_How do I explain this, Relena? How can I put into words what this does to me?_

A soft sigh behind him drew his attention back from the window. He turned around in his chair and felt his body grow warm at the sight of the young woman in the bed, her auburn curls tumbling about her creamy shoulders in appealing disarray. Her lavender eyes were still shadowy with sleep, but her smile was like another dawn.

And he knew that explaining himself to Relena was not half so important as explaining himself to this woman, and that was something he knew how to do. He was beside her in an instant, and then it was surprising how quickly the lace that held a nightgown closed could be undone, how little morning breath mattered, how quickly a touch intended as a tickle could become something else entirely.

The little autumn-colored cat, heretofore curled up at the foot of the bed, had to spring out of the way to avoid being squashed.

****

A little while later, when he was dressed and in the small kitchen squeezing oranges for juice, the matter of Relena and the letter came back to him. He owed her an explanation, and the more time he took, the worse it would be for her. She had to know that she was not the reason he had had to escape to the Colonies. He had not loved her, it was true, but he had been comfortable in her presence. Nowhere near as comfortable as he felt in the presence of the woman who would join him shortly, smelling of heather and lilacs, her hair still wet and garnet-dark from her shower, but comfortable enough.

He might have been content with Relena were it not for the life she led, the celebrated status that chased her, the spotlight she could never escape. She was the Earth's heroine, the darling of the Earth Sphere Unified Nation, a modern day Joan of Arc, minus the martyrdom. Part of her enjoyed that life, and he was proud of her for what she did, for becoming the woman she had, who knew how to wield her considerable power for the right causes and who was no one's pawn. But he had felt restless at her side, nervous under those intense lights, and unneeded.

He had tried to explain, but found it impossible because at that point he had never known anything better than her friendship and--yes--love, and had never imagined that he could. He did not know what he wanted. So he had run away one night to see if there was a better life, a world in which he felt more comfortable. He had gone to Japan first because that had been the homeland of his ancestors, but he did not know his name, so he could not check to see if any of his family had remained on Earth and survived the war. There was no one there who needed him.

So he left Earth for the Colonies. He went first to L-2 to see if Duo Maxwell needed help running his garage. He liked the idea of dismantling mobile suits and using the parts for useful things. But Duo already had a team of young men and women working for him, and he and Hilde were managing things splendidly. They offered him their couch anyway, told him that they would need his help a great deal in a few months when their baby was born. But that wasn't the sort of useful he wanted to be. And besides, children made him nervous. So he had declined politely and taken a shuttle to the newly repaired L3-X18999 in hopes of finding Quatre Winner still there.

What he found, when he arrived one cold and rainy afternoon, was that Quatre had left three weeks earlier, and no one knew where he had gone. A circus was there, though, entertaining the newly arrived colonists. By some wild coincidence it was Catherine Bloom's circus. Remembering the beautiful knife-thrower's generosity and tenderness when she had tended his wounds during the war years ago he had gone to her and asked quite simply, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

She had looked him up and down, her eyes narrowed in appraisal. Then, neither smiling nor frowning she had said, "Yes, I can use your help. As it so happens I am currently short one clown."

Trowa had run away with Quatre three weeks ago.

He did not take Trowa's place as Catherine's target, nor did he become a clown. Catherine dressed him as one once mostly for her own amusement but, just as he predicted, he only wound up terrifying the children who came to see him. He did odd jobs mostly, cleaned the animals' cages, ran errands, sold tickets and roasted peanuts, helped with the sewing and cleaning. In the evenings he sat before the campfire, eating his dinner in silence and listening to the tired but jovial conversation of the performers. Catherine sat beside him more often than not, also silent, staring at the flickering flames.

Heero guessed the reason for her quietude. She was lonely, too. The boy she thought of as her brother had left her and she had no one to take care of.

Unlike Trowa, Heero harbored no secret desire to belong to someone, so he could not fill the other boy's place even had he wanted to. One day, however, while he was at the space station picking up supplies and mail he spied a litter of kittens in a cardboard box outside the stationmaster's office. They looked like a pile of autumn leaves with blue eyes. Thinking of Catherine, he inquired with the stationmaster and the woman explained that a cat on one of the recently arrived transport shuttles had given birth and the captain had left them there on the chance one or more of the colonists would want a pet.

He bicycled home with one of the kittens snuggled safely in his half-zippered windbreaker. When he handed the tiny ball of tawny fur to Catherine and said, "Here's something you can take care of" her reaction stunned him. She held the kitten against her breast, but her eyes filled with unhappy tears. Without one word she turned and ran into one of the circus tents. He followed her somewhat dazedly, found her finally huddled on the topmost bleacher, her hands dangling limply in her lap, the kitten licking up the tears that splashed onto her wrists. She looked up sharply at his approach; in the dim light her eyes shone like mother-of-pearl.

He halted a few feet away from her, uncertain. "What is it?" he asked. He had never seen her this way, before. She had always seemed so...fierce.

"Nothing," she snapped. "It's nothing, I'm just tired... Damn." She looked away.

Heero sat beside her. "I'm sorry." He bit his lip, unsure of what more to say.

"Don't be sorry," she muttered. "She's adorable. I love her."

"Then...what?"

She swung around to face him again, and he was startled by the weariness in her carriage. Her face looked drained of color, her shoulders slumped. He was suddenly acutely aware of how delicate she was, her wrists, her cheekbones, her prominent collarbone. Something thumped into him, then--at the moment he was unsure exactly what. All he knew was that he had finally found someone who truly needed him, and he wanted to hold her and protect her.

"I can't," she said softly, shaking her head. "Can't do it again." While he sat there, frozen with uncertainty, she leaned in and kissed his cheek softly. "Can't give my heart to another boy and lose him again. I'm just too tired."

Her breath was warm, and her hair smelled like spring flowers. "I'm not going anywhere, Catherine," he said, surprising both of them equally.

***

They named the kitten Autumn, but a few weeks later Catherine surprised Heero with some Japanese language discs and they renamed her Akiko, which meant roughly the same thing but had a more pleasing sound, in their opinion. On rainy days when they were not working they rode into town on their bicycles and went dancing or to the movies. When the sun was out they went swimming in the lake or took long walks in the hills. In the evening they lay in the cool grass watching the stars appear against the fading daylight, making up new dreams. They took care of each other. They did not fall in love right away, but they did fall in love, and it was the comfortable, unhurried kind of love that Heero had been hoping he was capable of finding.

 

And now what? Heero wondered as he set his orange juice down on the table and began to squeeze a glass for Catherine. They had left the circus four months ago when a position at the colony's new elementary school had opened. As her education had been sporadic at best Catherine was currently only in training for the job, but she was enjoying the experience. Heero had found work at the space station supervising launches and arrivals. It was not terribly exciting work, but he was allowed to use to station's communication equipment to stay in touch with the other former pilots, and he liked the predictability and ease of it. And when he wanted excitement--well, it was right there waiting for him at the close of the day.

He was happy in a way that he had never been at Relena's side and certainly never as a Gundam pilot. But it bothered him that he had left the Earth so abruptly and without any explanation.

Catherine walked into the kitchen just then. She had a towel wrapped around her hair, but a single curl escaped and clung wetly to her neck. Akiko came bounding out of the bedroom after her, banged her head against her mistress's bare ankles, and miaowed for attention.

"Hi there," Catherine said as she took the glass, then gasped as he wound a well-muscled arm around her waist and pulled her close for a kiss. "You're in an friendly mood this morning," she observed. "What's bothering you?"

She knew him so well.

When he did not respond right away, she went on, "What were you writing before? Was it a letter? Who to?" Her gaze flickered over his features, noted the slight twitch at one corner of his smile and the crease between his heavy eyebrows. "You don't have to tell me, honey." She stroked the hair at the nape of his neck with soft, dainty fingers.

And the funny thing was, he did not. She was not trying to pry information out of him. She understood that he had to do things his own way, in his own time.

Which only made him WANT to tell her everything--if he could find the words. "There was an article," he began slowly, "in one of your magazines. It was from a couple of weeks ago."

"An article..." she echoed. Then her eyes widened with comprehension. "The one about Relena Darlian's meeting with the L-4 Ambassador. I didn't even think about that. And you've been thinking about her since you saw it."

It was not a question. "I don't...care for her," Heero assured her. "I mean, I DO, but not the way... I don't love her. I love YOU. But she's been on my mind." Thinking she might require more proof he leaned down to kiss her, but she put a hand up to block his mouth.

"She saved your life. And I think maybe your soul."

"You saved my life. And my soul." He tried to kiss her again, but she evaded him, smiling.

"I think I hated your guts the first time I actually talked with you. I've told you this before, but I think you were everything my Trowa was trying to be. I was never very awestruck by you. I don't think I pitied you either, though."

"You never saw me as anything I wasn't," he agreed. "But Relena... I guess I needed her for a while. She thought she needed me, but she never really did. That doesn't excuse what I did to her, though."

"She didn't sound as though she was pining away in the article. But I know how you hate loose ends. That was why you went chasing the Noventas all those years ago."

He stepped away from her, shaking his head slightly. "That wasn't the only reason."

"Still, I understand," she said as she watched him gather up their breakfast and carry it to the door that led to their small porch.

Balancing their plates carefully on one arm, he opened the door and stepped outside into the cool morning sunlight. She followed him.

Outside their small cottage a field of grass and wildflowers stretched away toward distant hills. The early morning mist was burning off and she could just make out the silver shimmer of the lake. She knew that it was all man-made, as were most things on the Colonies, but she loved it. It reminded her of the Earth of her childhood, before the war escalated and mobile suits and fighter planes obliterated everything she remembered.

She sat down beside Heero on the steps and took her plate from him. "You know," she said, "maybe a letter isn't the right way. I think maybe you have to go back to the Earth and see for yourself that she's all right. I don't think you'll believe it until you do, actually."

He looked at her, his cobalt-blue eyes shadowed with worry. "I don't think I could. Unless..." A glimmer of a smile touched his thin lips. "Unless maybe you were there with me."

"Me? Go back to Earth?" She had not been back there since the war, not since Trowa and Heero had left the circus to seek out the surviving Noventas, in fact.

"I think I could go back there if you were with me. I think I could even go back to Japan. I never really saw it when I was there. I'd like to try to see it again. With you."

She sipped her orange juice and stared at the hills. "I'd like to see the place I came from, too," she admitted softly. "I think I could...if I were with you." She turned to him and smiled. This was not a castle in the air they were building, she knew, but a real plan. One that could heal them both and let them put the past aside forever.

He touched her hand and smiled back. This time when he tried to kiss her, she let him--and kissed him back. 

05/15/02


End file.
